2007 Update

I always do the "New Year's Resolution" thingy. In 2006 I vowed never to smoke another cigarette as long as I live and as of Dec. 13th, 2005 I have suceeded. I was thinking about giving up mayonnaise this year because I eat a lot of it. Instead I decided to give my diet a makeover and start eating healthier. I began reading "The Best Life Diet" which is written by Bob Greene, Oprah Winfrey's diet guru. I switched to light mayo and started eating a lot of "whole grain" foods. I'm enjoying soy milk in my cereal and have fell absolutely in love with edamame (soybeans). I try to eat at least one salad and 2 pieces of raw fruit and a raw veggie a day. They are so good for you and super tasty. I joined the YMCA and have been shooting for 5 days a week and 30-45 minutes each day. So far so good. I'm sleeping better at night because I'm doing something other than laying on the couch every night. I'm really tired when I go to bed. I've even lost a few pounds and want to loose a few more. I going to start tanning today since a tan body looks so much better than a pale white one. And with all these new "projects" I haven't had much time to shop. That's a plus to the ol' budget. I've also found a new respect for my husband. In one of my "silent" drives home the other night I got to thinking about all the things he does for me. He pays all of the bills. I write him a check every month and he takes care of the rest. We're going to Vegas in March and he bought my plane ticket and has even started saving money for the trip (cause I suck at saving money). He pays for our Tivo service, the XM radio service that goes along with the XM radio he installed in my car (he actually installed it himself and didn't pay someone to do it) and he pays my montly gym membership at the YMCA. What a great guy, right?! I'd have to say that 2007 has started off quiet well in my little world.

Fast Food Nation

I've been reading the book Fast Food Nation on and off for the last year. It's one of those books that I can't digest (literally) all at one time. I'll read a chapter and then I have to put the book down. It's basically a book written to expose how the fast food industry controls the economy in America. It's a very interesting and disturbing book and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in reading such. At the beginning of the book I was going to become an animal activist. I even requested a brochure from PETA. I was then going to become a strict vegetarian and swear off meat completely. So I skipped a few months of reading...remembered how good chicken and beef taste and picked the book back up. Now I mostly just want to be aware of what I'm buying at the grocery store and what I'm putting into my body. I'm thankful that the "organic" craze is upon us. It has to be more healthy that the over-processed stuff that we continue to stuff our faces with. I think I've figured out why we are all going to die of some sort of cancer or heart disease if we live long enough. It's true that you are what you eat.

Time marches on...

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other night as he was leaving Texas and headed for Louisana (he's a truck driver) and we got on the subject of age. He was telling me how he'd be 62 years old in 10 years and it was amazing how time flies. Just to bring a little more reality to the conversation I interjected that he'll have a 37 (almost 38) year old daughter in 10 years as well. We both laughed but I think we both were thinking about the last 10 years...I was 17 and he was 42...and where the time has gone. It's not time you can get back or time you can alter in any way. There aren't many relationships in my life that I'd like to mend or invest more time in but the one with my dad is something I'd like to hit the "rewind" button on. I don't feel like we really know who the other one is. We somewhat understand each other or is it that we just assume the unspoken? It is easier to pretend that we know each other rather than peel back the layers and expose what is underneath. Have I buried the hurt and chosen to remember the good things from our past? Do I really want to understand the man that I call "Dad"? These, among other questions are the things that run through my head while I'm driving in the car or trying to fall asleep at night. Then I don't completely understand everything that I do and why. Does my Dad even know exactly who he is and why he's made the decisions in his life? Would it be worth knowing answers to questions that I can't bring myself to ask and could I live with the answers? Is it easier just to not know? Probably. Either way...the next 10 years will go fast and I'll be looking back wondering where the last 10 years have gone. Because after all....time marches on.

Love, Lies and the Truth

Love - does anyone really understand it? I think it's been established as an emotion and can be shown in various different ways. You can love someone as a friend, as a parent, as a sibling or as a companion/lover. How is it that friends become lovers and lovers sometimes wind up as only friends. What makes us decide that we want more from some people and less from others? Does any of it makes sense?
Lies - are only lies if someone else knows the truth. Have you ever thought about that? It's sort of like the tree falling in the woods thing. And people don't get hurt unless they know that they are being lied to or have been lied to. Sometimes there is a fine line between the truth and just a little white lie. Some people consider a lie being absence of truth. Sort of like if you know something but don't tell someone about it; you let them believe a lie. You might not have been the one that told the lie but by not telling the truth you are guilty by association. Another gray area.
Truth - it hurts sometimes. It is said that it will set you free. Free from what? Guilt? Being a liar? It may set you free of someone that you love. Ahhh...back to love. It's common assumption that you don't lie to those that you love. So in order to succesfully love you must be truthful so that those you love can trust you. Trust is important. It allows someone to have faith in you and return love. So why is it that some of the most successful marriages, friendships and relationships in general are built not totally on truth but lies, lies and more lies. Is it necessary to lie here and there, withhold the truth and spare the feelings of those that you love? And is it possible that truth in spite of many lies will reignite a relationship. Sometimes we all need to be lied to and sometimes all we need is the truth. But one thing is surely certain....WE ALL NEED LOVE!

Don't give me excuses...

So I'm at my Mom's house Saturday night talking with my sister and her fiance. We're talking about a family member (by marriage) that is always looking for a free ride. Or at least that is how I see it. She has a child, no job until recently and constantly gripes about how terrible her life is. Who's fault is that? In my opinion, it's hers. We all have things in our childhood that we can blame our current situation on. We all have things in our past that we can blame our problems on. We all have things in our present life that we can blame for our mood or attitude. I say PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND DEAL WITH IT. 9 times out of 10 you can find some excuse for what you're going through. 9 times out of 10 I can point the finger and show you why it's your fault. Don't think I'm Ms. Self-Righteous cause I'm not. I piss and moan just like the rest of you. But at the end of the day and I can tell you that I'm responsible for the choices that I make. I don't always make the right or best decision but I do always accept responsibility for the things I have control over. You can't change people and you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. You can change yourself and become accountable to yourself. Try it...you just might find that you're a much happier person once you become responsible for you.

Normal is Nice

Have you ever looked into a mirror and wondered who the person was that was looking back at you? Do you ever have moments, hours or even weeks that go by and you don't recognize the skin that you're living in? It does not happen to me often but the past few weeks have been just that. When I came to work today I was feeling somewhat "normal". I was feeling like me. I sighed with relief because I was beginning to believe that I had changed and wasn't sure that I liked my new self. I have officially been through a "funk". I'm not saying that we're in the clear yet (mind & body) but I think I'm on my way. Please don't confuse this to mean that I don't want to change or grow. I'm all about that. It's just that I think I know myself better than anyone on the planet because I'm with me ALL the time. And it's weird when you're making choices or decisions and reacting in ways that don't make sense, even to yourself. Two weeks...what have I done out of character for the last two weeks? I've read 2 whole books...I don't read. I've listened to the radio in my car everyday...I don't listen to the radio when I'm in the car. I've sat outside and stared at the sky...I look up sometimes but not for a half an hour at a time. I haven't slept good...I hardly ever have problems sleeping. I haven't eaten much...I'm a bottomless pit. I've even lost about 7 lbs. I haven't been to the mall...I go to the mall at least once every week; often more. Since I was feeling better today I went to the mall. I felt like I was in my skin...doing one of my favorite things. It felt good!

Trapped Inside My Head...

I'm finally starting to feel somewhat normal now that the battle inside my head has decided to cease fire or rather that shots are only being fired spontaneously. Sometimes I get completely lost in my thoughts for weeks at a time. It's not always a bad thing unless it is an unpleasant issue that I'd rather not be thinking about sans this past weeks thoughts. I'm a firm believer that prayer works. I think I have succesfully prayed myself out of my head. There are definitely blessings that come from above...in all forms. Sometimes you don't get what you want and it can be even better than if you'd gotten EXACTLY what you asked for. I'd rather not go into the details of my thoughts for fear that I might end up right back in the thick of it. Do you ever have times when you just can't turn it off? I know people talk about this happening to them when you're trying to go to sleep at night but that is not the kind of thing I'm talking about. I'm talking about the type of thoughts that come and go no matter what you're doing. The kinds of thoughts that are magnified by certain things around you that bring you right back to the place you just came from. And I know some of you are out there saying that they make medication for that. Yes. I know. I've taken some and it made me numb and I couldn't think about even pleasant things. I didn't think about anything other than what was absolutely necessary. I love to ride in my car on the way home and ponder things that I hadn't had time to think about during the day. It relaxes me. On the other hand, when there are those things in your head that you can't turn off it makes the ride home miserable. I guess that is what they really make a radio for, huh? I just finished the book "Bitter is the New Black". The book was lent to me by a friend and she was right...the book rocked. I totally recommend it. It really made me think about what really makes us happy. People say that money can't make you happy and to some extent I do agree with that statement, however, I do believe that it makes life easier. I'm really not much of a reader unless it is a book that I absolutely cannot put down. This book was one of those. I don't know if I was desperate to direct my thoughts in another direction or if the book was just superb?. Either way...I totally enjoyed it. And i must say that it was the 3rd book that I've read since June which is so totally out of character for me. Alright! So I've rattled on for long enough. I hear something interesting going on on TV and am going to check it out. Just be careful with decisions you make. The consequences could haunt you for weeks, months or even God forbid...years!